So the other day I was on my way to take a dump when I realized that I had no form of entertainment to bring with me. Now I don’t know about you, but dropping a load can get pretty boring. So what I’d usually do is bring my laptop in with me. But a few months back, the backlight in my laptop’s LCD screen went out and I’ve had an external monitor hooked up to it ever since (just been too lazy to fix it). Lugging a laptop AND a computer monitor into the bathroom with me is just a bit too much. I’ll pass. My other form of entertainment is usually one of my school newspapers that I’ll pick up from earlier on in the day. Unfortunately, I didn’t grab one that day, so that option was out too.
So what was I to do? I couldn’t go in there and just poop. Where’s the fun in that? So that’s when I approached Mommy and asked if she had anything that could keep me company. After scouring through her pile of magazines, she hands me an issue of Babytalk. Uh… I don’t think Babytalk is my ideal choice of a poop companion. But hey, who am I to argue? Beggars can’t be choosers.
So there we were, in the bathroom. Me and Babytalk. Babytalk and me. How am I supposed to approach this magazine? I mean, I’ve never met it before. What if it doesn’t like me? Then after a few minutes of me staring down at this unopened magazine in my lap, I started to feel disturbed as there was a baby on the cover staring back at me while I had my manly chunks exposed. So I quickly flipped to the back of the magazine in hopes that I’d find an ad for that brand spankin’ new Dodge Charger SRT-8 for under a grand I’d been looking for (hey, can’t a man dream?) (and on another note, I don’t care how overrated the Charger is, that car is one of the sexiest automobiles to grace the road. Can I get an Amen?… *cricket cricket*… agh who asked you anyway).
Well I didn’t find the Charger ad that I’d hoped for, but surprisingly enough I did find something that kept me entertained for the duration of my load shipment. It was an article by Babytalk contributor, Melissa Balmain, entitled, “Finally, the websites new moms have been waiting for…”. The “websites” part is what caught my attention (I’m sort of an internet geek), but it was the names of the websites that really reeled me in. Ever went shopping on Peebay.com? Me neither. Read on:
Finally, the websites new moms have been waiting for…
Ickipedia.com – Whether you’re trying to ID that nasty rash on your baby’s neck, extract teddy bears from the toilet, or scrape projectile vomit off the chandelier, this is the place for info on all the repulsive subjects that now rule your life.
NapQuest.com – Got one of those babies who won’t nap anywhere but in the car? Sick of driving around and around the same old block? Just type in your home address and your kid’s ideal snooze length, and NapQuest spits out dozens of convenient, scenic routes with absolutely no stoplights.
YouBoob.net – If you hate getting the hairy eyeball for breastfeeding in public, you’ll love this site. Gloat over video clips of people deploring the “impropriety” of nursing outside the home–paired with hidden-camera footage of those same people publicly picking their noses and scratching their butts.
Peebay.com – Bid early and often on the potty of your dreams! Recent listings: a leather-covered potty used by Madonna’s kids (“Like-virgin condition”), a sapphire-encrusted potty used by Snoop Dogg’s nephew (“Fo’ pizzle with sizzle”), and a potty with a mysterious stain believed to resemble Elvis (at last count, bids had reached $16,081).
MyOhMySpace.com – After you have a baby, the last thing you want is to join one of those networking sites for perfect-looking people who can’t wait to climb mountains and write novels. At MyOhMySpace, for new moms only, you’ll feel comfy posting shots of your actual spitup-splashed self and discussing your real aspirations–from climbing out of bed to writing 17 thank-you notes.
Pajamazon.net – It’s every mom’s slumber-time fantasy come true: a whole warehouse of “footie” PJs that won’t take forever to put on your squirming baby. Each pair has just three snaps and–better still–you don’t have to be an aeronautical engineer to figure out which one fastens where.
Zagattogo.com – Sure, reviews of restaurant food can be helpful. But when you’re dining out with a baby, all you really want to know is: Does this place have diaper-changing stations in the bathroom, and are they disgusting or not? Get your answers here, straight from fellow parents. Sample: “For a ‘high-end bistro,’ Chez Maurice offers ‘surprisingly little for your kid’s low end.’ Those who seek ‘true changing comfort’ are ‘better off chez Mickey D’s.’”
Weeharmony.com – Never mind that your baby’s the only one in the neighborhood who still isn’t doing yoga/learning Russian/keeping 5-4 time on the maracas. Register here to find hundreds of compatible playmates in your area!
Now if you’re anything like me, you immediately went to check out these websites. I’m pretty sure most of you probably stopped in the middle of this post to type one of the above domains in your browser (yup, I caught you!). Unfortunately, none of the websites exist. All except two of the them are parked domains. As for the other two, one redirects to a real estate website (Peebay.com) and the other redirects to a MySpace page (Zagattogo.com).
It would be pretty cool if the websites did exist though, as each one had a unique and creative idea behind it. I don’t know about you, but I definitely would’ve been on Peebay bidding on that Snoop Dogg potty! Fo’ rizzle!
Melissa Balmain, whoever you are, where ever you are, thanks for the poop time humor! And if any of you are interested in reading the actual article, it’s in the March 2008 issue of Babytalk on page 76 (It’s the page with a picture of a baby taking a poop on MY Snoop Dogg potty that I was supposed to win on Peebay! The little booger outbid me at the last second!). And by the way Babytalk, you now have a special place in my home reserved just for you!